If
you are reading this you probably own a dog. Everyone around me owns a dog.
99.5% of the world population either owns or wants to own a dog. Guess who’s part of the
other .5%? Me. One of the few people out of billions who’ve been kept awake
countless nights by endless barking. The only guy who has been nipped at while
minding his own business, the only person who ever stepped in dog poop.
They
say dogs provide unconditional love. The only person I expect that from is my
mom. Otherwise I think love, like
anything else worthwhile, needs to be earned. I know I’ll never get a cat to
love me. The best I can hope for
is to earn their tolerance and maybe a brief minute to pet them. Five minutes on my lap. Those are special times. Knowing anyone, person or pet, was
waiting for me at the door everyday
slobbering and panting would just get tiresome after awhile.
They
say there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. Didn’t they see “Cujo?” Seriously, dog owners do come up with some lame excuses. “He only barks at people, that’s what
dogs do. Guard the house.” Fine, except when you’re throwing a
Christmas bash and the dog barks at every single partier who approaches the
front door. Such a nice greeting
when you’re visiting someone and you’re treated like a midnight burglar. How
about putting the dog in a back room? Or using a muzzle or bark collar?
Bark
collars. Controversial
devices. Here’s a wacky idea. If you buy a pet and you need an
electronic device to keep them quiet by causing them pain you may not want that
pet. Just a thought.
“He
only barks at other dogs” is my all-time favorite. So what? The only
thing your neighbor hears is a dog barking during prime time walking hours.
Which apparently begin at
6am in my neighborhood. Rain or
shine, cold or hot,
dog walkers are out
there. I only wish my post man was
so dedicated.
Which
brings up professional “dog-walkers.” I know times are hard and if someone
wants to spend all day picking up lots of dog poop that’s their
prerogative. “It’s the equivalent
of a working mother having day-care,” is what they tell me. Except the baby is a human being, not
an animal. Hopefully the mom would
rather be with her children than having to grind out a paycheck.
Most of the time the mother
has no choice. Dog owners have a
choice. Don’t own one until you
have the time to take care of it.
That’s
what my parents taught me. I wanted a puppy and they said you have to take care
of it. The puppy required lots of
attention. Seemed like lots of
work just for a few licks on the face.
I realized I’d rather pay attention to girls who smelled like
strawberries and guys who taught me how to play guitar. So my parents gave the dog to one of
their friends. I was relieved and
I learned an important lesson. Its
not a sin to admit you made a mistake.
Yet
its against the law to walk your dog without a leash. If that law was enforced and people were thrown in jail then
I would live in an empty neighborhood.
I’m pretty sure these are the same ones who use a cell phone while
driving, everyone above the law like Steven Seagal. I was feeling more like Woody Allen the other day when an unleashed dog herded my soccer
ball into the duck pond. When I
looked for the owner she was leaning against a signpost reading “all dogs must
be leashed.” I could not ask for a
better way to end this story. I
only wish I’d made it up.
